Let go

Waves of nostalgia come crashing in with the silence, the whirring of the ceiling fan above me makes the silence even louder. The thorn in my heart only seems to grow longer every day. I thought it was over the moment I said we were going our own ways, but perhaps sometimes I forget that some people will never leave you, and they will always stay with you till the day you die. The memories will never ever seem to fade, how every thing seems like it was just yesterday. I thought I come just set you down on the table, like the tea cup you gave me and the tea leaves you sent me. Letting go wasn’t as simple as that.

There were many things I thought we could have remained, friends for example. But why choose to stay with someone even as friends when it was the painful option? So you left and I realised that there will always be this gaping hole here that was the year and a half I spent with you. I simply cannot erase it like the mistakes I made on that white sheet of paper you gave me, or smooth out the creases of the shirt that was yours. 

Passing by the places we have been, I couldn’t suppress the images that popped up, the horrible things you’ve said to me, how you’ve made me depressed all the time, insecure about myself and our relationship, how I really hated the fact that you would smoke behind my back and lie to me about it. The distance in your voice during the night time skype calls, and the endless arguing about that mindless issue that I have already forgotten.

Goodbye, goodbye.

Some things should be kept in a box and sealed away, but some things should be given back to the person they belong to, and that way maybe we will be able to move on and let go, like we should.

Goodbye, goodbye.

Your eyes

Image

 

You think that something small cannot possible withstand the might of a harsh blow, or think that the small pupils of your black eyes cannot engulf the entire world and all its might. You’re wrong to think that the world is too big for you, too big for anyone. Indeed it is enormous, physically a trillion times bigger than any part of your body, but you can make it yours, like how you make the words in books bend and twist into your own work, or the alphabets, simple 26 letters weave into the musical which is the poem you write. 

There is nothing that cannot be seen or cannot be put into your eyes, no matter how big, its the matter of whether you are willing to see it through those bright eyes of yours. 

Sparks

Like the spark that started the fireworks,
the sound of the lighter going in the dark
and the flame that emerges after the spark feeds its hungry appetite.

But can we not be the spark that started the firework?
Fireworks are beautiful but they go out,
within seconds they ignite, they dance in the sky, then they die down.

Can we be the Eternal Flames of Bulgaria?
Can we be the fire that Prometheus stole for the humans?
Can we be the burning hot sun, burning still after millenias?

Can we be the fire that kindled in the darkest of places and live on?

Because you lit up my world, you brought the fire into my life.

Peaceful silence

I suppose there is always that moment when no one speaks, and everything’s seems terribly awkward– the air has frozen solid, everything else is just so LOUD and the silence kills you.

I’m glad there’s never been a moment like that with you, only the peaceful silence where I get to place my head over your chest and let your heartbeat vibrate my ear drums. The sound of your breathing calms me, there is no need for any thing else to make me happy as long as you’re by my side, as long as you would enjoy this silence with me.
The ticking of the clock, the strong, steady beat of your heart, the rising and falling of your chest as you breathe in and out: this is my lullaby, my favourite kind of silence.

No words, no need to complicate matters by trying to fill in the gaps between time with meaningless words and sentences that are all empty and without content. The silence is pure gold for me, and it is what I like most about us, being comfortable.

Feverish

I lay on the bed, slightly perspiring. My throat is parched and itchy, I try to suppress my cough but the monster still manages to shake my whole body, moving my aching muscles. I could feel that the temperature of my body was way too high, my face was hot and blushed. I wheeze a little because of the mucus in my lungs, my breathing is shallow and quick. 

My phone vibrates again and again, the messages pile up, but all I wanted to do was rest and avoid people. Humans are such complex beings, wanting to be alone but being afraid of loneliness. We crave the touch of our fellow human beings, but sometimes detest our own kind for its treacherous nature. What is it with us humans that make us that complicated?

The chat box opens on its own, I see your name again, the same name I used to love. But this time your words hurt me, because they are killing you. I have no idea how to say goodbye properly, I have never been good with them. But perhaps it is time to say goodbye for good.

I toss and turn to find myself feeling even worse than before, but the medicine was doing its work and I drifted into a dreamless sleep.