Eclipsed

Eclipsed.

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Sudden realisation.

Usually when you realise that something is impossible, you give in, cross your fingers and perhaps then hope for the best.

Probably I’m going two steps ahead of myself and think about things that might someday happen. But although it’s a long way from now, it’s probably going to happen anyways.

Some things are inevitable.
Some things are for certain.

People say, “Give a little faith, trust in love!”

But what is there to trust in love? Love is giving. And sometimes when people get what they want, they just leave you there bleeding, not even sparing you a “thank you”.

Sometimes I just wish I was bossier, bitchier and just blunt like some other girls are. I just keep repressing the urge to want to just break down and cry and tell you how much I love you and need you and want you. Because then you would know that you have my heart, and then you would leave me.

How fickle trust can be. I would willingly believe every word you say, that you love me, that you would die for me, that you would do just about anything to make me happy. Who would I be kidding? I should always remind myself. To keep expectations low, that way I will never be disappointed.

Dreading the future before it begins.

So we all know that certain things will happen one day.

Such as death.

“It does seem silly, really. To put all that effort into something that’s just going to die. ” (The Painted Veil)

I have always been afraid of long distance relationships, and seeing that I just had my very first failure during Easter I suppose you know why. How can you remain close with someone whom you won’t see for days, weeks or even months to come? To trust in something that could be broken easily?

How do I know if my partner cheats? HOW do i possibly omit the fact that most long distance relationships end up… fucked up?

It does seem silly.
The fact that I try to calm myself into the thought of trying again.

“he wont leave you”

“he isnt your ex”

“you guys still have time to build up trust in your relationship”

“not everything is so bleak and dreary”

“THERE IS HOPE”

Alas, I sit here alone typing into this blog through the tapping of my fingers on the cold keyboard…

My insecurities just eat me alive.

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